Self-pity

Self-pity(sp), why do I enjoy sp?
What do i get out of sp?
Why am i addicted to sp?
Where did I learn sp?
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What is self-pity for you Eric?

SP is me feeling bad for myself and me wanting others to feel bad for me as well.

Why do you feel bad for yourself and want others to feel bad for you?

I don't know.

What do you get out of feeling bad for yourself and others feeling bad for you?

I use sp as an excuse to not take self-responsibility, and by not taking self-responsibility I eliminate my risk of failing at something and being judged for not being perfect. So sp is my excuse to do nothing, an excuse to not have to 'take chances' and fear judgment.

What will happen if you 'fail' at something?

Well, I will be judged for it and that will mean i am not perfect.

Who will judge you?

I don't know - myself, i will judge myself. so this fear of judgment is just me judging me, me comparing me to others. Somewhere I created the idea that I must be perfect. I am using SP to hide me from myself, to hide me from who i 'really' am because I fear who i am.

Why do you fear who you 'really' are?

I fear who I 'really' am because it is unknown, and i don't know if I will still be a good person and i know i am not perfect like I want to be.

Why do you want to be perfect?

So i don't get judged as being less then others(inferior).

Where did you get this idea of being less then others?

From media and my environment. People that have financial wealth are looked at as superior to others, and i nor my family have ever been financially wealthy thus I feared judgment from some of my elementary school friends that had wealthy parents and nice and big homes and nice cars.

Who where these friends?

Hunter and Philip, two neighborhood/school friends that I rarely let them come to my house out of shame of my house being old and messy and us not having as much money as them. I realize this self-pity, fear of failure/judgment for being less then others and fear of facing who i really am is all an illusion a learned belief which i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

So you use self-pity as an excuse to not take self-responsibility out of fear of judgment for not being perfect/being less then others if you where to 'fail'. So you fear who you 'really' are, because who you really are may not be 'perfect' and may "fail".

What do you get out of others having pity for you?

I feel it is all the same, self-pity and pity from others...pity whether from myself or others allows me to use it for all of the above reasons.
However me wallowing in self-pity allows me to not have to take self-responsibility and face who i really am because wallowing in pity takes up all of my time, thus excusing me from looking at myself and moving myself into action.

And pity from others does have the added 'benefit' of attention.

What do you get out of the attention from others?

Validation to not have to take action/self-responsibility because i am in such a 'pit' that someone else has to actually take care of me. So the attention just validates my non-movement.

I see. So back to this fear of being less then. So from what i understand this fear of inferiority/fear of judgment started when you where in grade school out of fear of judgment of your friends having 'more' then you, and your idea from the media that wealthy/people are superior to those with 'less'.

Yes. So i want to recap this for myself.

I use self-pity as an excuse to not have to take self-responsibility.

I don't want to take self-responsibility because i fear facing who i 'really' am.

I fear facing who I 'really' am because i don't know who i really am and fear that who i 'really' am is not perfect/is less then others.

I fear being less then others because i fear judgment from them, however really it is just me judging myself due to learned beliefs of superiority and inferiority which i now realize is an illusion and is not real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create situations in my life of self-pity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create movies in my head of situations of self-pity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use self-pity as an excuse to not take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility out of fear of who I ‘really’ am not being perfect thus being judged by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I ‘really’ am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing who I ‘really’ am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being inferior to others thus fearing judgment from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this fear of judgment of being less then others, is actually just me judging myself as being less then others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that this judgment/belief I have of ‘less then others’ is a learned belief from the media and my environment and is not real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power over to the fear of facing myself and taking self-responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power over to the fear of judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use others by getting their pity and getting their attention to take care of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire un-desirable situations in my life for my desire to use self-pity as an excuse to hide.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create illness to get M’s attention and care.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use M’s attention and care as an excuse and validation to not take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that who I am is not ‘perfect’ thus there is nothing to loose in facing who I ‘really’ am which I have been avoiding with self-pity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel helpless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am helpless.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the belief that I am helpless as an excuse to continue doing nothing and avoiding SELF.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the media and my environment that those with financial wealth are superior and those with less money are inferior.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge Hunter and Philip and their families as being better then myself and my family because they had a lot of money and a nice big house and nice cars and took trips.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself feel bad for myself for not having a lot of money.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and my family as being less then Hunter and Philip and others that are wealthy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that inferiority and superiority are real, as they are not, they are just beliefs based on ideas – as money does not make one better then another. And no one is better then anyone, as we are all ‘the same’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failing at life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear “failure” due to fear of judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear of failure and fear of judgment as an excuse to not take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being perfect out of fear of judgment, out of fear of who I ‘really’ am not being perfect because I don’t know who I ‘really’ am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be perfect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being perfect exist in this world at this time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am ‘perfect’ as who I really am HERE, in-perfections and all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ‘food allergies’ for self-pity and pity from others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘food allergies’ as a means of attaining self-pity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wallow in self-pity for having ‘food allergies’.

I STOP participation within and as the desire to attain pity and self-pity from ‘food allergies’.
I STOP participation within and as the desire to create situations of self-pity.
I STOP participation within and as the desire to wallow in self-pity.
I STOP participation within and as the desire to get attention from others with self-pity.
I STOP participation within and as the belief that inferiority and superiority exist.
I STOP participation within and as the belief that perfection exist within this world at this time.
I STOP participation within and as the desire to be perfect.
I STOP participation within and as the creation of illness to attract attention/pity from M and others to validate my ‘helplessness’ thus excusing me to continue doing nothing.
I STOP participation within and as the fear of facing who I ‘really’ am.
I STOP participation within and as the fear of taking self-responsibility.
I STOP participation within and as the fear of failure.
I STOP participation within and as the fear of judgment for not being perfect.
I STOP participation within and as judgment of self as being less then others.
I STOP participation within and as the fear of being who I ‘really’ am always in self-honesty and self-trust HERE.
I STOP participation within and as the mind/thoughts/beliefs/fears in all of their forms right HERE – I STOP.

And I STAND HERE as LIFE as who I ‘really’ am. And I move self HERE within and as SELF-HONEST, SELF-TRUST, SELF-FORGIVENESS, and SELF-RESPONSIBILITY.

I no longer create situations of self-pity whether physical or in my mind.

I Breathe

Purpose

purpose(anxiety) vibrates in me, even in this very moment sitting here looking at the forum and youtube.....'am i waisting my time, should i be doing something more productive"' "More productive"-meaning doing something that shows my movement within this world, something that i can show and say - 'see look what i am doing'. Something that feeds the system.
I STOP as i realise this anxiety(purpose) is not 'real' It is accepted and allowed pre-programing/pre-conditioning. Pre-conditionig/pre-programing so the robots(me/humanity) will continue to feed money and power to those that wish to control us by living our life 'purpose' of keeping the machine working.